Everyone has a Story

I used to be pretty open about my story, then I go through phases when I am more quiet.  Because I know people think it is silly.  With my job, I have learned everyone has a story.  We train on it, because it is powerful.  It helps others know they are not alone. In my world lots and lots of people share their story.  To the point of rawness.  They share everything.  I admire them.  I respect them. Those not in our world may not understand it and that is OK.

Being bipolar SUCKS.  I hate it.  It has had such an effect on me.  Suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia, whatever the hell my entire adult life, I was not surprised when they diagnosed me about 3 years ago.  And for about 2 years I felt good . There were those rare occasions when I would have a "day" but for the most part I was happy, productive, I had joy.  It seemed around December when things fell apart.  My meds stopped working, they just stopped.  I developed SEVERE insomnia again.  The worst I have ever had.  I was falling apart. I gained 10 pounds.   I went to 3 hormone Dr's thinking maybe they were out of whack.  Honestly after about 25 vials of blood, they did not help.  I had to start over with my meds.  I have been to my psychiatrist at least once a month since then.  Was there last week  She lets me break down.  She knows it all.  She had tried about 9 different meds to see if something would work.  We are upping the dosage now and I know from years of experience it takes time.  I take a new sleep med and it helps a bit but I still have trouble.  Last night I woke up about 5 times with severe anxiety.  I can't lose the weight . I will be so good, as I know, cause it is my job, and then binge eat because some trigger or emotion.  I quit drinking to see if that would help.  It has been almost two months.  I get pissed.  I have isolated myself.  I have lost friends.  I want to be alone. I am so scatterbrained.  I don't complete tasks.  I don't care.  I feel for my husband and son because I am not the best that I can be and it breaks my heart.  I hurt.  My joy is gone.

I pray, I pray a lot.  I don't spend enough time in the Word.  That is probably my problem right there. The thing I need the most I do the least.  I hide in my work because if I focus on others then I don't think about me.  But then I stop, cause I don't want to deal.  I want to do nothing.  I was the girl that could never get enough, and now I don't want to do anything.  I try not to get mad at God, it is His will and I am fully aware of that.  I am also aware if I would change my perspective, I would feel better. Telling my brain that is another story.

People think I am odd.  I know this.  People think I am too transparent.  Better than pretending I am something that I am not.  Why would she share this stuff?  Because I want to.  Some people prefer to be private and I respect that.  I don't want a pity party. I do this because right now it is my story. Right now it is who I am.  Maybe it might explain my behavior.   Maybe it might help someone.  I have had people come to me, ask questions, talk about how a med worked or did not work.  If I can help them, then I am doing something good.

I will come back, I know it is part of God's plan.  We don't always get a say so.  This time just seems to be taking a LOT longer.  Do I think it is unfair I am different and can't be like others?  You bet. But I also embrace my originality.  Will I still motivate, dream and work hard. Absolutely.

There you have it.  That is my story today.  And who knows what it will be tomorrow!